The last 3 weeks have been tough. Constantly connected to the drains, unable to move easily, forgetting what a good night sleep felt like. This experience was going to be life changing. I would never take going to the toilet for granted. Whenever I used my arms I would appreciate the freedom of movement. I would value everything about my life.
A day after having the final drain removed and its all a distant memory! Forgotten quicker than Debbie Gibson (who?? Exactly.)
Everything has gone back to how it was pre op (minus the arm movement, that’s still restricted!). I don’t think twice about going to the toilet like a normal person. I get up and do things without a second thought to how hard the same action was a week before. I haven’t once thought my drains were still there and then been so grateful to realise they weren’t. Ive just gone back to normal me. Not all that life changing really.
What a fickle person I am.
One thing that has changed though is the feeling in my chest. I constantly feel like my bra is on too tight. I yearn for that feeling when you’re wearing a bra like that and whip it off. Ah bliss! Only I’m not wearing a bra. The feeling is my skin. Which I probably won’t whip off.
Then there’s the fluid build up. I can describe the sensation to anyone whose had a baby or is over about 20 weeks pregnant. It’s like the early days of a baby moving….but in my boob! When you can feel the big swoosh and it makes your stomach go a bit queasy! If I move my left arm too quickly I feel the big blob blob in my boob. eughhh
All of this is physical though. The important thing is keeping things straight in my head. Tomorrow is D day. Having found cancer in 2 of my lymph nodes during the mastectomy they removed the rest for testing.
Tomorrow we get the results.
How far the cancer has spread, whether I will need radiotherapy as well as chemotherapy, and whether we are looking at a much more dire prognosis than we previously thought.
Over the years I have become very good at controlling my worry. I used to worry so much that it started to affect my life so I did something about it, I learnt how to control it. That has been a major asset since my diagnosis and has probably meant I’ve worried the least out of my family and friends!
But even I have had the occasional moment where I’ve thought what will happen if its spread. What if I’m not around to give evil stares to my son’s first girlfriend? What if I can’t take my daughter wedding dress shopping? Will anyone ever love them as much as I do? I’ve only had 2 days where I’ve allowed these thoughts to creep in but when they do they hit like a tsunami. They have knocked me off my feet at such as a rate that it doesn’t last long. It can’t. I’m wiped out in minutes.
But tomorrow all of this will either be another fickle distant memory like my drains, or a truly life changing reality. Now I just have to make it through the next 24 hours to find out which….You can donate now to my Boobs and Babies Fundraising! Subscribe to this blog Follow me on twitter