Reading the comments coming in from my last blog post, my heart has been filled with so many emotions. So firstly, thank you so much for the discussions you are having about this subject and I hope that if even 1 son or daughter has now been able to see their dad, then that is a good thing.
The rest of my story continues. If you have not read part 1 yet, please do so here.
So it has been 3 weeks since I found out I was a dad. At this stage, I had been diagnosed with depression caused by ongoing mental abuse from mum but, was now under control with correct medication and help after several visits to the GP.
I was moving mountains to see my baby, nothing was going to get in my way. Not work, not friends, not family, no one. I can not describe the overwhelming sense of happiness seeing this new bundle of joy. It was instant love. Instant smiles. All the the hurt forgotten. All the pain lost in a whirlwind of happiness. What a moment. I remember the first time we made eye contact and a sense of connection made all the better by a smile kindly returned by myself. All I wanted to do was squeeze lovingly and never let go. This was, and I know every parent says this, the cutest baby I had ever seen. This was now, our little bundle of joy… or so I thought.
I spent about an hour holding, even performing my first nappy change without a tear rolling down the face of our newborn. It was a form of heaven but as we all know, all good stories must come to an end at some point, I just did not realise how difficult ending the first time we met could be.
Walking back to the car to go home, I had a tidal wave of emotions and thoughts running through my head. On one hand, I was so happy that our baby was healthy, on the other so sad I was leaving. Right in the middle of these thoughts was the question, when will I see my baby again?
There are lots of arguments why children should have a father involved with their lives. There are even alot of arguments why they should not.
Four decades of research and hundreds of studies have proven what should be obvious to everyone: The more involved a dad is, the more successful his children will be. A father’s influence can determine a child’s social life, grades at school, and future achievements.
Involved dads = Successful children
To me, this is my driving force behind wanting to see my baby, I want my baby to grow up to be a kind, caring yet confident and successful adult. What we do in these early days affect them for life right? Even with all this research both for and against, I have a saying I live by, 2 heads are better than 1. Mum is a brilliant parent, I have never doubted that, devoting time, energy and love to her current boys from a previous relationship and to our baby. This fact is the only saving grace in this situation.
Walking back to my car though, I was fearing the worst. Only a few days later, my fears were realised and to this day, I still do not know what prompted what to come.
I was an excited dad, I was sending a couple of messages a day offering to provide anything my baby needed, asking when I could see my baby again, rarely getting a reply and when I did, was one saying that nothing was needed and baby was well. After a few of weeks though, seeing my baby a couple of times on her terms, the response I got was one of blackmail, cold hardheartedness and what seemed like hatred towards me. I was told I could not see my baby! No explanation, just a message saying to either leave them alone or if I insisted on seeing “her” baby, she would go after everything I had. Was I harassing her by asking questions and offering support? What brought this on? Did I do something wrong?
Please do not get me wrong when I say this but I was not willing to give anymore than I could afford to the mother of my baby, a parent in debt can not be a responsible parent. I wanted to make sure I provided fairly and responsibly and I would do everything I could to make sure my baby did not go without but this is not down to just the father in a separated relationship right? I had already bought nappies, wet wipes and new clothes! I had even phoned up CSA to set the process going for giving some money I had budgeted for and set up an account for my baby to which I was paying another amount into ready for my babies adult life. The way that was being described by her was that she wanted the shirt of my back also, I need some money to live and pay the bills and our baby was not going without, far from!
By this point, I was struggling emotionally. Constant abuse was coming to me on a daily basis and whenever I asked a question about my baby, it was treated with silence. Things were not good. I tried being civil at every stage. There was only one person who, in my opinion, would suffer. Our beautiful baby. I had to act. The last resort had come. I had to step up to the plate and so I picked up the phone to my solicitor. Only this route, I was warned by mum, would result in no contact at all till after the court had decided which could be months away. In my head though, I was not seeing my baby anyway and was not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel, what did I have to loose. Our baby deserves parents and deserves for me be on the birth certificate!
This is where I will leave this chapter for now ready for the next chapter. Please keep sharing your comments below, please share the post to your friends and for those parents out there (both mums and dads) in a similar situation, keep fighting for your children, they deserve you.