Im a new mum with a 3 month old. This means I’ve gone from having a life to looking after one in a very short space of time. In parenting terms I know very little and I know I have shed loads left to learn. But I’ve also learned more in the last 3 months than I did in 3 years at university, although that probably says more about my intelligence than I’d care to admit.
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in the last 3 months is how you can have the ability to both love your partner and want to kill them all at the same time. I’m definitely growing emotionally. And dads if you’re reading this, a word to the wise: never ever say you’re tired or complain about a bad nights sleep. Unless you’re not particularly attached to your testicles.
Things you will hear in the first 3 months
Enjoy every moment
I get it, mums who have been there and done that look at you sitting there with your tired eyes, birds nest hair, baby vomit stench and think you’re not enjoying this time (and some of the time they’d be right). But there they are with their older children who now talk back, throw tantrums and follow every answer you give with “but whhhhhy?”. The baby days must seem like bliss to them and they miss them. So they tell you to enjoy every moment. You’ll hear words like “precious” and “magical” but these mums have either forgotten what it’s like, are always sickeningly positive or their children are now such horrors they’d choose this over that. Let’s face it, It’s impossible to enjoy every single moment and when people tell you to, it’s perfectly acceptable to ignore them. Enjoy the good times and it’s ok to not enjoy the bad ones. Warning; Enjoy every moment is often followed by “they grow up so fast”. That’s ok too, it’ll be fun to watch them grow, each new stage bringing with it new levels of joy. Or hell.
You look great…considering
Why say considering? Why can’t I just look great? It’s on a par with when people comment on how big you are when pregnant. It’s not a compliment. Just as you should only say a pregnant woman looks beautiful, only say a post pregnant woman looks great. End of.
I recently had someone ask me how I was feeling about my physique post pregnancy. I said “oh you know, tummys a little big but otherwise ok” to which they said with exasperation “a little?!”. In these situations in a restaurant a waiter might then choose to serve you a sneezeburger but us mums are nothing if not adaptable so I say go with a breast milk latte.
How old is it?
People will get the sex of your baby wrong no matter what you dress them
In. Usually this happens in an awkward lift journey that seems to last a lifetime “so how old is he?”, “SHE is 2 months”… This is acceptable for a baby dressed gender neutrally but not for my girl in a pink jacket and bobble hat. I like to have fun with this too depending on my mood which is usually bad after pushing a screaming baby around town. When someone clearly doesn’t know they’ll just say “ahh how old?”, I respond with a simple “3 months”. “What’s… Um… what are they called?” I’ll choose a random gender neutral name here like “Taylor”. Bing…. you’ve never seen someone exit a lift so quickly. I need to get a life, oh no wait, I have a baby.
Is she good? No. She’s a baby. She has no concept of behaviour being good or bad. She cries, she poos and she sleeps. All in varying degrees and whenever she bloody well likes.