STORIES Baby Loss Awareness After The Rain Comes The Sun. After having 2 older boys well into secondary school my partner and I decided to add a new edition, will be straight forward I thought, I have done this before. Three months later I was pregnant, I told my family straight away because never did I imagine anything could happen to me. A couple of days after telling people I started to bleed heavily and although this had never happened to me before, I knew. I went straight to the out-of-hours doctors who arranged a hospital appointment for a week later, a week!! I went home distraught, kept crying with people saying that it may be ok, they had bled through pregnancy and all was fine but I knew I wasn't fine. When my appointment came and they sent me to the early pregnancy unit, it felt like a cruel joke as this ward was now on the old maternity ward where I had my first 2 children. The nurse was very apologetic and said that many people get upset due to this and they were going to move wards eventually. After examinations and a scan it was confirmed I had a miscarrage. I have to add here that the lady who did that scan for me was brilliant, so lovely and turned the screen off so I didnt have to see the empty sac. The usual words of people trying to be kind followed ... never mind you can try again, you're lucky you already have children, but it wasnt a baby yet! Those people meant no harm but if theres a list of things not to say im pretty sure there right up there. I had two more miscarriages after that, each one as devistating, At one appointment for bloods at an A and E department a not so tactful male had these wise words for me .. you were pregnant but you're not now. I stopped telling people when I had positive tests because I couldnt cope with the reactions of people after the miscarriage, even though all my miscarriages were under 8 weeks, to me they were my babies. At this stage my doctor had agreed to refer me to a specialist to find out why this kept happening, a few weeks had passed and my letter for an appointment had arrived but by this time I was pregnant again, this time no bleeding. I was still beside myself, every little twinge or pain I would cry and convince myself that this was it again. I had early scans from 6 weeks and all was well, a tiny little peanut with a teeny little beating heart, but this did not settle me. The first six months of that pregnancy was pretty textbook, looking back now but I was so scared through it I couldnt enjoy being pregnant. After my 6 month scan I calmed down and allowed myself to enjoy what was to come. Extra appointments and extra scans were added for peace of mind after my previous pregnancies (and due to my 1st born being premature and born at 28 weeks and my second born I had severe pre eclamsia) After having emergency c-sections with my older children I was even able to have a vaginal birth, my daughter was born at 36 weeks, finally my long awaited for ray of sunshine had arrived! I must say that having the miscarriages and something so important being out of my control did make me quite protective and nervous of my new baby, I was worried about things that never entered my mind previously. When she was eight months old I found out I was pregnant again!! How ironic, I was not trying, I was so shocked! A range of emotions arised including, can I cope with another child with one so small (after the miscarriages I felt so guilty even daring to think that) but all went well and my son was born via c section right on time with no complications at all. So I now have a 3 and 2 year old as well as a 20 and 17 year old, all driving my slightly insane but im so glad they are! I do still think about my miscarriages and the what if’s but it also makes me angry at how some professionals deal with people who are going through this and how the words they say can have such an impact on someone. I also wish that they would have read my notes instead of having to explain the miscarriages to every professional you first meet. I don't talk about my miscarriages to anyone because I dont feel people understand, which is why I follow Kicks Count as its nice to read other peoples experiences and know that my thoughts and feelings are normal.