The last 3 weeks have been tough. Constantly connected to the drains, unable to move easily, forgetting what a good night sleep felt like. This experience was going to be life changing. I would never take going to the toilet for granted. Whenever I used my arms I would appreciate the freedom of movement. I would value everything about my life.

IMG_4240A day after having the final drain removed and its all a distant memory! Forgotten quicker than Debbie Gibson (who?? Exactly.)

Everything has gone back to how it was pre op (minus the arm movement, that’s still restricted!). I don’t think twice about going to the toilet like a normal person. I get up and do things without a second thought to how hard the same action was a week before. I haven’t once thought my drains were still there and then been so grateful to realise they weren’t. Ive just gone back to normal me. Not all that life changing really.

What a fickle person I am.

One thing that has changed though is the feeling in my chest. I constantly feel like my bra is on too tight. I yearn for that feeling when you’re wearing a bra like that and whip it off. Ah bliss! Only I’m not wearing a bra. The feeling is my skin. Which I probably won’t whip off.

Then there’s the fluid build up. I can describe the sensation to anyone whose had a baby or is over about 20 weeks pregnant. It’s like the early days of a baby moving….but in my boob! When you can feel the big swoosh and it makes your stomach go a bit queasy! If I move my left arm too quickly I feel the big blob blob in my boob. eughhh

All of this is physical though. The important thing is keeping things straight in my head. Tomorrow is D day. Having found cancer in 2 of my lymph nodes during the mastectomy they removed the rest for testing.

Tomorrow we get the results.

FullSizeRender-40How far the cancer has spread, whether I will need radiotherapy as well as chemotherapy, and whether we are looking at a much more dire prognosis than we previously thought.

 

Over the years I have become very good at controlling my worry. I used to worry so much that it started to affect my life so I did something about it, I learnt how to control it. That has been a major asset since my diagnosis and has probably meant I’ve worried the least out of my family and friends!
But even I have had the occasional moment where I’ve thought what will happen if its spread. What if I’m not around to give evil stares to my son’s first girlfriend? What if I can’t take my daughter wedding dress shopping? Will anyone ever love them as much as I do? I’ve only had 2 days where I’ve allowed these thoughts to creep in but when they do they hit like a tsunami. They have knocked me off my feet at such as a rate that it doesn’t last long. It can’t. I’m wiped out in minutes. IMG_2837

But tomorrow all of this will either be another fickle distant memory like my drains, or a truly life changing reality. Now I just have to make it through the next 24 hours to find out which….