Victoria Mann

I am raising money to raise awareness of how important it is to recognise your baby's routine and the kicks they make! I am going to run at least a mile everyday in October to support pregnancy and infant loss as it is the Month of remembrance! This is in aid of my Angel Baby - Logan who would have been 1 this October if all had gone to plan and My Rainbow Baby - Lucas who arrived March 2018.

Here's my (long) story..

Sadly in March 2017 I miscarried my Angel baby - Logan which many people dont or didnt know about because it wasnt something I wanted to broadcast. I thought it was my fault, what did I do differently to my first pregnancy, why has this happened to me. So many questions with no answers other than 'it wasnt my fault'. Regardless of being told that over and over by my partner, family members and the midwives that it wasn't my fault I just couldn't help the fact I was sure it was.

I was so excited to be having another baby, I was looking forward to the day I could tell his or her older brother and announcing it to family with his help, I just knew he would be so proud!

One day I noticed some spotting when I went to the toilet and in pregnancy a lot of people tell you its normal to have a bit, so I wasnt overly concerned. Then another day a couple of days later the same happened again. I spoke to the midwife and she made an appointment for me the following day to go for a scan just to be sure. (From what I had described she wasnt too concerned either and said it can be normal)

I went to the Hospital that morning all excited to see my baby growing to be told, 'I'm very sorry I cant find a heartbeat.' I remember the sonographer telling me like it was yesterday. I was devastated and in shock. I just sat up and said 'Ok.' Me and my partner were taken from the scan room into a very quiet little box room and told someone would be with us shortly. We didnt know what to do, he asked me if i was ok, I nodded and said yes. (I wasnt ok, I was heartbroken!)

A midwife came in and expressed how upset she was for us and I just burst into tears. From there I was taken onto the ward and admitted into a little cosy side room ready for the next steps. I can remember thinking we have to tell everyone now, this wasn't how I had it in my head to tell everyone. My son is at school, I need to get someone to collect him. What are we going to tell him why I'm not there today. So many questions. I was silent. Everytime a member of staff came in they would say they was sorry and although they meant well it didn't help one bit! I just wanted to be left alone.

I delivered Logan at 22:47 and just sat there looking at him for about half an hour before calling the midwife. Whilst on the ward I received a lovely remembrance box for him to pop some things in which was donated by another family who had sadly also gone through the same thing. Unfortunately I also had some complications and had to go to theatre aswell. I had to stay in 2 nights after that. My son was only 3 at the time and we felt it was best not to tell him at this point.

A few months passed and I found out I was pregnant again, it was planned but wasnt because although it had only been a few months my partner and I decided that if 'it' happens it happens and I wasn't expecting it so quickly! This time I wasnt as excited, I didn't get my hopes up. I actually felt guilty. I felt terrible. I just kept thinking what if it happens again.

Then a few weeks in I had the same signs.. spotting. I thought it's happening again. So I rang the midwife and got seen straight away. On my own this time. My partner was at work and couldn't get there in time. I walked in and I had the same sonographer who told me my baby didn't have a heartbeat. I thought to myself, what if she tells me the same thing. Does she remember me. I had to walk past that little box room that they put me in. Thankfully everything was ok! Little baby had a very strong heartbeat! From then i had a scan every week until about 14weeks in. I still wasnt convinced everything was ok, but the weeks went by and signs were good.

At 20 weeks we finally told our son that he was going to be a big brother and he was over the moon!

At 27 weeks I had a midwife appointment and was told my baby was too small, so I had to go for a growth scan. I was booked in the next day. At this point we had found out the baby was going to be another BOY! I was over the moon! After the growth scan they dont say much, I just got booked in for another one in 3 weeks time. I was told he was too small then got booked in for another scan for 2 weeks time.
Turned out in the end he was growing just fine.

The last 10 weeks were awful! My rainbow baby had a very unusual movement pattern. He would go days without moving and then go crazy for almost a whole day! The hospital and midwives were always brilliant! It was never too much trouble to get checked out. I always felt I was being dramatic, but they always said better to be safe! I had to go for monitoring at the hospital every 3 days in the last 6 weeks just to make sure! He wasnt here yet and he was already keeping me on my toes!

On March 3rd 2018, we welcomed our newest member of the family! I was finally excited and relieved he was here!

I cannot thank the midwives and doctors and other proffessionals who helped along the way, enough for always making sure we were ok. It was never too much trouble! If your unsure - make sure!

Any donation is greatly appreciated!

Victoria Mann