It’s ironic. I have less cancer in me now than I had 3 months ago but this is the first time I’ve felt like I actually have cancer. I also look healthier than ever despite feeling the worst I’ve ever felt. The red chemo drugs are showing through my skin and giving me a lovely sun kissed glow! Clearly looks can be deceiving.
Chemo day 2 came and went. I think I slept through most of it. I vaguely remember my mum poking her head round my bedroom door to say “I don’t think you’re well enough to make your appointment today”, I muttered some grunt of agreement and went back to sleep. That concluded the activity for day 2.
So….Day 3. I am vertical at least.
Today I get to add more drugs to my repertoire. The injections. In my conscious moments over the last few days there have been 3 things on my mind. My hair, My sickness, and these bloody injections!
The thought of injecting myself gives me the heeby jeebies! Every time I open the fridge and see the box I get the shivers.
At midday I can’t put it off any longer. I’m going to have to suck it up and do it. I spend far too much time cleaning the work surface, washing my hands, laying out the needle, getting the sharps bin ready, anything to avoid actually sticking that thing in my stomach.
I never ever look when I’m having injections or needles put in. So I pinch my stomach, take the cap off the needle, look at the ceiling and hope my coordination gets the needle somewhere in the pinched region!
Its actually not too bad, but then I have to press the end to fire it in… The resistance makes my muscles recoil in horror! I’m happy one is done but then I have to put the remaining 4 back in the fridge….4 more days to look forward to.
Its then back to the sofa to lay for the rest of the day. Luckily I have some anti sickness drugs to take at regular intervals to break up the monotony.
Day 4. Still feel like I’ve had the life sucked out of me. It probably doesn’t help that I can’t stomach any food so my diet consists of various flavours of ice pops. Not sure of their nutritional value but they are hitting the spot which right now is all I care about, even if its not doing much for my energy levels!
Ever since chemo my head has felt like its been in fog. I can’t speak normally, I can’t think straight, I can’t eat. My limbs feel like they are made of lead. The only indication that they are actually flesh is when I get pins and needles in them. I don’t recognise myself at all. I feel like a shell just lying around masquerading as a living person.
I’m desperate for this to pass, for me to get a bit of me back. For me to find something so funny my belly aches. To hear a song that I just can’t help but shake a little booty to.
Although today I’d settle for being able to move a limb without groaningYou can donate now to my Boobs and Babies Fundraising! Subscribe to this blog Follow me on twitter