It’s a time when things are supposed to be better. But they’re not, they might actually be worse.
While everyone around me is jubilant that I’ve finished chemo and am back to ‘normal’, I’ve got a whole new host of demons in my head to contend with.
I still have my sense of humour, I still have my optimism. But I also have a dark cloud that hangs over me constantly. I don’t sit around and cry all day but I’m feeling completely lost. For the best part of a year my life was dictated by hospital appointments. Week in, week out, I would see the same familiar faces and I felt I had a purpose. Now I’m feeling completely abandoned. I don’t have the weekly reassurances that we are doing something. Throw in the worry of cancer returning, the changes to my appearance, the physical side effects of the ongoing treatment, the backlog of things to deal with from 6 months laid up in bed and I guess its no surprise that I’m feeling overwhelmed.
I was being kept afloat by the adrenaline of fighting the disease, but that’s gone now. I’m just left flailing around like a fish thats been dumped on the dock.
When I was lying on my sofa after chemo I had all kinds of plans. As soon as my body was capable I would be up doing things. I wouldn’t take life for granted, I’d grab it by the balls and go for it. But now that time has come all my plans are completely overwhelming. I don’t want to go out and grab life by the balls. I want to tell it to piss off and give me some peace for a bit.