I can’t have been the only one. Pregnant with my first child, imagining life when she was born. Doing all the lovely things we did then, just with a little baby next to us. She would only eat organic food. She’d have no chocolate until she was 5 (and as I won’t be giving her any she will never know what it is so won’t miss it…am I a genius or what?!) She won’t throw tantrums (I’ll just teach her not to do that) I’d still do my full hair and make up (she can sit cooing in a bouncy chair), we’ll still go on nice holidays, we’ll still sit in pub gardens on a summer’s afternoon until eventually realising it’s dark and we’ve frittered away the whole day. This baby will just join us in our life.

I knew EVERYTHING about parenthood. I could look at any parent out with their child and tell you all the things they were doing wrong (“just tell them to stop crying…duh”). I didn’t know how no other parent had thought of these things. I was going to be the first parent ever to have the perfect child. And it was going to be a breeze. 

Then this 8lb human arrived and Wow. 

Just Wow.

No Chocolate until she is 5

This child would want feeding when she was hungry (not at the helpful convenient times I had scheduled in). She had no concept of public shame, if she wanted something she would all out yell until she got it or I ran away to hide. But I’d told her thats not the way to get things, WHY WASN’T SHE LISTENING TO ME?! My make up regime involved using a baby wipe to get rid of the evidence of last nights dinner. She’d had chocolate well before she was 10 months (turns out other people have access to chocolate too…I didn’t have a monopoly)

But why did no body warn me?!?

Oh wait…is this what people meant when they said “Your whole life will change when the baby arrives. You won’t do all the things you do now. Everything will revolve around the baby”

Ah….don’t I feel silly.

Hello Chaos

But somehow through all the chaos, the dust started to settle and I started to adjust my expectations. When I started to accept what was possible I felt much more in control. With the necessary adjustments (like unclenching a bit) I have somehow managed to accommodate two extra humans into my life. So hopefully slotting a couple of little tumours in shouldn’t be too much trouble. Hmmmm…..

Like people tried to warn me children would change my life (albeit for the better), they have also warned me that Cancer will change my life (probably not quite as nicely). This time I don’t want to be caught out by First Time Parent syndrome. Cancer already makes me feel so vulnerable. There was always the comfort that things got easier as children get older. Cancer doesn’t offer such reassurances. I do not want Cancer to catch me off guard and make me feel any more vulnerable than I do already.

Although I am sometimes known to be stubborn (variations on this description vary from the polite “determined” or “ambitious” to the downright rude “pigheaded bitch”) I’m trying my very hardest to listen!

I have 3 weeks left until surgery and then Chemo. I’m trying to tell myself I won’t be able to carry on as normal, but then I don’t always listen. Its very hard trying to argue with myself, I never know whose side to take! My rational brain is telling me to take it easy, that that is the best way forward. But my heart is telling me I’ll still be able to take on the world, Cancer or not. Its a bit like agreeing to go on a date with David Beckham. My head would probably say no, he’s married, he has 4 children, he travels around a lot, we lead very different lives, it would never work. But do you think theres a hope in hell my heart would let me say no!?

So I am using the next 3 weeks to try and cram as much in as possible. A bit like when you try and stock up on sleep before a baby is born. Because we all know that works!

I am trying to clear my diary for the next few months and assume I will be unable to do anything. I can then add things as I feel up to it, rather than feel the pressure to either continue or let people down. Thats the theory anyway. My ‘determined/ambitious’ side is still trying to launch forward at a rate of knots and holding it back is like trying to restrain Kim Kardashian when theres a  camera around.

Who knew planning nothing would be such hard work??

So my motto for the next few months will be expect the worst, hope for the best.

(And try and sneak in a few dates with Becks when no one is looking)