I am fine a lot of the time. This often makes people think I’m lying and “being brave” but I’m not. I’ve mentioned the reasons in the “Toby effect” but I’m genuinely fine a lot. I promise to be honest and if I’m feeling shit I will say so. So if I say I’m fine, believe me.

Today however, I feel shit. And I am more than happy to say so!

Today is the day I get to go home. My TV card has run out and with possibly only an hour or two before I go home it’s not worth buying another card. (Of course it ended up being 6 hours and would definitely have been worth it!)

So it’s sit and wait. And think. And sit. And wait. And think.

First thing I do every morning is check out my timehop (the app that shows you your Facebook updates on this day over the years) and actually not much seems to change. Posts from last year still seem relevant. Kids are a bit bigger. But there’s not often anything that makes me go OMG!!!! But today I’m doing my own timehop. Not to last year but just a few weeks ago. A picture on my phone of me mucking about with my son before I head for a night out. 2 days before I found the lump.


Sitting in a hospital bed feeling like I’ve been groped by Edward Scissorhands, no long blonde curly hair in sight, no cleavage out on display, feeling unbelievable shit from surgery, drugs, waiting to find out how far cancer has spread, I CANNOT believe this picture is just a few weeks old. Years I could handle but how is this only a few weeks ago?! How has so much changed in that short space of time?? I’m not feeling sorry for myself, this isn’t a ‘woe me’ feeling. It’s a “bloody hell that was a whirlwind few weeks” and although I didn’t think I’d ever say this, I fear I’m going to; I think I now feel I should have taken longer to appreciate things as they were. The ability to move my arms for example. Not in a “love every moment” way, that’s unrealistic. But just occasssionally taken longer to look around at what others were going through and been more grateful for what I had.

Still, no going back now. It is what it is. I will embrace the new look and new body as best I can. But it’s a lot for my brain to process. The poor thing is usually thinking who will be next to leave one direction, something like this is just KABOOM!

Luckily there are so many interruptions there isn’t long to ponder this. I’m sure I’ll be coming back to it though!

I’m seen by various doctors and nurses to discuss how to look after my drains, how to take all the measurements, how to redress my scars, what drugs I need to take and when. When I’ve played host to all the medical staff I am handed my bag of clean drains, medication and soft boobs and am permitted to leave!

My mum wheels me down to the entrance in a wheelchair. I feel like I’m trying to balance an egg on a marble. The slightest bump will end in disaster! I wince at every corner, going in and out the lift, having to stop for someone. Every muscle is clenched ready to absorb the pain!

Arriving home I realise how affected my sense of smell has been in all of this. I walk in the house and I can smell EVERYTHING! (Even when Matt opens a pot of sauce for dinner!) my taste is really heightened too. I can’t handle flavours. I can’t even stomach my beloved cherry Coke! Tastes like syrup! Did I really just say that?!?

I’m starting to wonder how powerful my breasts were that by losing them my other senses are so incredibly heightened!!

First night home in my own bed I’m hoping for a nice restful night….no no no. Trying to sleep with 5 drains in is no easier at home than it is in hospital! In fact maybe harder. I’m more nervous at home because if anything happens I can’t press the button and have a nurse by my side!

I can’t lie flat on my back because my throat hurts and it makes me cough which is agony. I can’t sit upright because it makes the implants scrunch up which hurts. I can’t lie on either side as there are drains in both side which…guess what? hurt!

So I spend the night propped up like a jelly on a beach ball. Having to change position every few minutes by a fraction of a degree to try and find comfort. Having to take pain medication every few hours. Needless to say its a long night!

Luckily theres classy TV on through the night…snooker, price is right, reruns of countdown. How I didn’t sleep is a miracle!