Without going into detail, I didn't know I was pregnant (Honestly!) And I ended up giving birth to my son at 6 months. Alone at home. It was the single most terrifying, painful (both physically and mentally) heart breaking thing I have ever experienced. This was 2012 and it has changed my life completely, I have anxiety and depression caused by post traumatic stress.

But I wouldn't change a thing.

Jacob Allen Payne came in and out my life in the shortest time possible, but he changed mine and my families lives forever. He brought us closer together, made us appreciate everything we had, showed me the immense love and support I have around me and taught us that life is so incredibly short. My life isn't where I want it to be or where I thought it would be. But it is better for for having his memory in it.

I am now a mother...I don't have my child but I am still a mum. It is important to know that about anyone who has lost their only child. It is a deep void that will never be filled...for me, one racked with guilt, heartache, disbelief and the most horrendous sadness you could feel.

His memory is both what keeps me going and what stops me in my tracks. I may not ever be the same again...but I am thankful for that.