The night passed without drama, but also without much sleep. When not conked out on drugs the sounds of the ward are much more noticeable.

It’s a bit like being on a sound stage for a remake of Jurassic park. Snores with varying degrees of bass and volume. The drugs trolley comes through every few hours, and of course, has a Squeaky wheel! All the bright fluorescent lights come on…Squeak squeak BOOM BOOM BOOM!! Not quite the ideal sleeping environment. Entertaining though.

When the night entertainment is over its time to work out what to do with the day. My TV hasn’t worked since I’ve been in, hence why I needed to create my own episode of greys anatomy yesterday! But I’ve now decided to leave that to the pros so could do with a TV. They end up sending a very delightful TV repair man to change it over. And I mean totally tasty! Handsome. Dapper. Smooth. Suave. Wasted on hospital TV repairs,  should be gracing the cover of GQ magazine (either that or it’s been so long since I’ve seen a man on this gynae/breast ward that Danny Devito would get my pulse racing!)

As he begins changing the TV I do my best flirty laugh and lean over to flash my cleavage. Oh no shit it’s not there! Quick sit back! Oh well, maybe subtly sticking my leg out of the cover to reveal my lovely pins will do the trick. Oh no they’re wearing mud green compression socks with 2 cannula holes in. Oh just get on and fix my TV and bugger off then!

After a few hours of Phil and Holly the nurse comes round to tell me I can be freed from my chains! I will be free to potter!! My catheter comes out, my morphine drip comes out, the bair hugger comes off, the oxygen tubes come out. I feel like a new women! No longer tied to the bed I’m allowed for a wash. The sweating under the bear hugger mixed with all the megginess of the hospital ward and 3 days since a shower have left me feeling more than a little unpleasant. The mystery of why the TV man didn’t flirt with me deepens…

Sat on a little plastic chair in front of the sink I stuck my head under the taps and washed my hair. I then used my flannel to wash the essentials. Put on a fresh hospital gown and felt like I’d spent a weekend at champneys!

When I got back to the bed the nurse was changing my bedding. Ahhhhh bliss!

The only problem I now have (well not ONLY problem…maybe I should say new problem) is taking drugs orally. After having so many tubes and pipes shoved down my throat (insert rude joke here) my throat is painful. Each drug ‘session’ involves about 8 or 9 pills at a time. And each one a real struggle. It’s like trying to get pineapples in a condom. Oh IV morphine drip how I miss thee!

Now I’m free to get up and about I also need to remember the dreaded drains!! I have 5 in which are draining fluid from the area into bottles I have to carry around. But these things sure can make your eyes water. You know the annoying feeling when you catch your belt loop on a door handle as you walk out the door?? Now imagine that belt loop is sewn into your internal chest wall. I promise you will walk through doors very carefully!! Remembering to check all 5 bottles and tubes are not hooked over anything every single time you move is tricky! And when you want to sit down on the loo you need to be careful how you lower them.

My drain dollies that I bought before I went in have been a lifesaver though. Much easier to pick up 2 bags and put them on my shoulder instead of carrying 5 bottles! If you know someone going for a mastectomy I recommend getting them a drain dolly (or 2 for a double). They will thank you for it!

Now I’m looking more human my children come up to visit me. They have been unaware of the additional dramas I’ve been causing but I don’t think they really know what to expect. They approach cautiously but look relieved to see me. I find out what has happened on Paw Patrol and after a discussion about whether Elsa’s drains would be frozen its time for everyone to head to bed.

A full day passed with no drama. Now its time to turn out the lights and welcome the Tyrannasaurus Rex….