I was 36 weeks pregnant with my 4th baby. As I had small babies (1st was only 2lbs 8oz) I was getting growth scans regularly. I was due a scan on the day I turned 36 weeks. A few days prior to the scan I had realised that our baby wasn't moving around as much. Just as I thought that I got Braxton hicks. I had never had them with any of my other pregnancies and because I was told this baby was bigger than any of my others, I assumed the BH were my baby pushing around.

I had mentioned several times at the hospital that baby didn't move much compared to the others but everything appeared fine.

On the day of my scan, my partner stayed at home with 2 of the boys and I took the youngest with me.
The sonographer soon called my name and I laid on the bed and relaxed while the scan started. I didn't see the usual flutter of the heart when I looked at the screen. The sonographer turned the screen away and continued to scan. I knew instantly something was wrong. When I asked if everything was ok, she didn't reply. Instead she continued scanning before saying she would get someone else to come through. Instantly, I burst into tears. The sonographer said not too worry, baby might just be in an awkward position. Shortly afterwards, it was confirmed that my beautiful little baby had sadly passed away.

I was led to a room. There, I phoned my partner and My parents. It was the most difficult call I have ever had to make.

I was given information about what would happen next. I had already had 3 previous sections and it was advised I would need a 4th. I was given the option of having our baby delivered later that day or the following day.  I couldn't bear to know my baby was dead inside of me. I needed to see my baby. I chose to have my section that evening.

Later that evening, I was led into theatre. I had been here so many times before but I knew the outcome of this time was going to be very different. Soon, I heard the consultant say "baby's here"
I sobbed and sobbed. There was no little cry. You desperately thought there might have been a mistake and everything would be ok, but it wasn't.

I was handed my son and he looked gorgeous. He looked as though he was sleeping. I cradled him in my arms as I cried and stroked his face. We named him Esson. Esson weighed 4lbs 14oz.

My partner was taken to recovery, along with Esson to wait for me. Unfortunalty, there was no where else available other than recovery with all other new mums. It was heartbreaking but I was soon taken to my own room to recover.
Esson was placed into a Moses basket along with a cool cot. I could cuddle him whenever I wanted. He looked so peaceful. Later that evening, I was taken to a private room.

Over the next 2 days, we spent our time making memories with Esson. We bathed him, changed his clothes, made hand and feet prints, I took him into the garden and we had him blessed. Making the decision to leave the hospital was very difficult. I wanted to stay with Esson forever but I knew he needed to be laid to rest. We said our goodbyes and left the hospital with just a box of memories.

Esson sadly didn't survive due to placenta insufficiency. He was beautiful and perfect. Not a day goes past that I don't think of him.