I thought I would also share my story, I’ve never written it down before, so here it goes ...

Due to various health reasons we struggled to conceive, various operations/IVF and 6 years of trying we pretty much had given up. To our surprise we ended up conceiving naturally! We were overjoyed, a miracle we thought. Pregnancy was fine, normal ickyness, back ache, but I would feel faint often, something I thought was just part of ‘being pregnant’.  Time went on and we started to feel kicks and movement, we started planning, decorated the nursery, chose a buggy, stocked up on nappies, baby-grows. I remember thinking one evening, I don’t think I’ve felt the baby move, but I rationalised to myself that perhaps I was distracted / busy at work.

The next day I called the midwife, something which I regret not doing as soon as I had doubts the night before and something which will always be with me. I wasn’t aware at the time, naively, of movements, thought that they sometimes have ‘quiet time’. The midwife said, sure it’ll be fine, you can come in to the surgery or go to the hospital, thinking everything is still ok, we went to the surgery. A heartbeat wasn’t picked up, still I was hopeful and was sent to the hospital for further checks. After a scan, the nurse called in a consultant and at that point our world fell apart. I will never forget the words of the consultant ‘I’m so sorry........’ We were given some time alone, and all I could say to my husband through uncontrollable tears is I’m so sorry, I felt like it was all my fault, then, it dawned on me that I’ll need to give birth. I was given the option to be induced that day or come in the next day. I took the first option. We went home and started to tell family and close friends.

The next day we went back to the hospital and our gorgeous son was born sleeping at 8.11pm 10th July 2014, 27 weeks, but I didn’t want to see him - I wasn’t sure what to expect. When we were ready to hold him in our arms for the first time he looked so beautiful and peaceful - like he was asleep. I can’t remember how much time we spent time with him but it’ll always be precious. The time came where we needed to say our goodbyes, but I never told him that I love him and this will always be with me, it’s breaking my heart just putting it into words. I love him every minute of every day.

We stayed overnight at the hospital but all I wanted to do is go home - hearing other women in the rooms listening to their baby’s heartbeat on the monitor and us leaving the hospital with empty arms was unbearable. The next few days/weeks my body was telling me I’d given birth, my milk came in, I ached with exhaustion, grief and loneliness despite the support and love all around us.

Then after registering his birth, arranging his funeral, the weeks/months past and the tears began to stop. We were able to feel ‘normal’, whatever that means and started to laugh again.

Rest in peace little one, we love you lots xxx