I fell pregnant in September 2014 and was already very anxious due to a loss at 10 weeks in the August but thankfull fell pregnant very quickly.
My pregnancy from the beginning was a nerve wracking experience i was backwards and forwards to early scans and I did experience a bleed around the 16 week mark but this was due to a pocket of blood between the amniotic sack and the uterine wall but baby was very healthy and showing no signs of any problems.

 I went to my 20 week scan and again baby was going through his checks with flying colours, he was playing the shy game though and being stubborn so I was asked to come back in two weeks as the sonographer wasn't concerned but needed to finish the checks. I was told at this scan that the placenta was at the front so I may not feel regular movement until later in the pregnancy. I had already started to feel subtle movements and butterfly kicks.
Three days before the check up scan I remember being in the bath and saying to my husband that I don't feel like id felt much movement and just had a gut feeling something was up and got myself in a state. I did nothing. I remembered the information the sonographer had told me.

The next day I still felt off and remembered I had a fetal doopler so I sat and listened in, it took me a while but I eventually found what I thought was the heartbeat so I managed to calm down and try to get on with the day. I remember being in the car with my mum and her asking me how everything was and I said I don't feel like iv felt much but iv listened in and everything seems ok but I still felt unsettled but trusted what I thought I'd heard.

I kept saying to my husband well they can check at the scan and we only have another day to get through. January 15th the morning came and my husband was at work he was going to meet me at the hospital, I felt so sick I think i already knew what was about to happen. I sat staring at that screen straight at the babys heart, it was still, before they even said anything I just knew but laid staring, my husband just looking and I think he knew too and 3 seconds after that our entire world got shattered "I'm sorry, something's gone wrong".

We were rushed and whirled around straight up to our main local hospital to take a tablet to induce labour and then sent back home to pack a bag and told to come in at 11am the next morning for furthur tablets and pessaries if it hadn't worked by then.

That evening I started planning our sons funeral lost and numb.

We went back up the following morning for more medicine and lots of other tests, my labour started at 9pm, I had him naturally and with just gas and air because if it was the only real experience I was going to have I wanted to feel every ounce of pain so I could remember what it felt like to be connected to him. On the 18th Of January 2015 1.44am Phoenix Biggles was born. He was perfect in every way possible 10 fingers 10 toes little nose beautiful bushy eye brows just perfect......but silent.

We had a full post mortem and no abnormalities were found. A part of me feels that he was at such a young gestation that it wouldn't matter had I had gone to hospital they couldn't of saved him, but that doesn't stop the fact that my fetal doopler gave me false hope and something to hold on to , to the point that I put off seeking help, there is a chance I could have prevented loosing Phoenix.

I will never know.

I want to help spread the word on the dangers of using these machines that are meant for professional use. I want to help save a numerous amount of tiny lives. Even if you think you've heard the heartbeat it doesn't mean everything is ok.  The most profound quote iv heard from Kicks Count is "if you saw someone collapsed on the floor would you check there pulse then just walk away?"

If you even think about buying, borrowing or using one please please DON'T.
If you are ever concerned just ring the midwives they will listen in for you and check everything else too.
I now have have a beautiful 2 year old daughter and a chunky 5 week old son , but I could have had my Phoenix too.
A serious lesson learnt in the harshest way possible.
It is not worth loosing your child for.