Positive - i was in complete and utter shock to be sat infront of a positive pregnancy test! We hadnt been trying however we live a life of 'what will be will be' we loved the idea of a big family so didnt believe in preventing that for a right time. However our youngest wasnt even one yet so was a bit overwhelmed with the news that soon on! Of course finding out this news our minds run away with us! How amazing would the bond be between our youngest - the same interest, same toys, a life long bestfriend. Zachery our eldest was over the moon with the news and amelia had no idea what was going on but kept the scan pictures as her new baby! 12 week scan was perfect, healthy baby, healthy size everything seemed so fine however something didnt sit right. From the second we left i counted down the days untill my 5 month scan - i just needed some more reassurance. After two healthy pregnancys and two healthy babies i had no reason what so ever to doubt the process but i just could not relax untill our baby was here. 5 month scan comes and we decided to keep our babies gender a suprise as we had one of each i thought this would be extra special way! Again our perfect baby healthy and happy on the screen but mummy still wasnt convinced. 21 weeks and i had purchased a pack of 3 baby grows and one blanket, i just didnt think timing was right ro start shopping despite both previous children having everything by 20 weeks. 22 weeks and im home alone with both children, i had sudden cramps to then notice i was bleeding INSTANTLY i knew something was wrong. My partner was a hour away at work so i put on a pad and laid on the sofa and tried my best to ignore what was happening until he was home.
When we arrived at the hopsital the midwifes just seemed so relaxed. Its pretty normal to bleed at some points appartnly but once they couldnt find the heartbeat the panic showed on their faces. "I think we have a faulty machine" the second i knew our baby was gone. A doctor arrived to show us our baby on a screen and that the heart had stopped beating, they apologised and tried to be as gentle as possible but i couldnt put together anything they was saying i felt like the room began spinning and i had left it. We began the process of labour straight away and i made a decission the biggest decission ive ever made in my life, maybe the most selfish decission but a decission i knew was right for me. I decided that no matter how painful this would be i would experince it in the exact way i experinced both my other labours. I wanted (NEEDED) to feel the mother and baby love, i wanted to cherish every single second. I was unaware of my options at this stage or how it would work in regards to time with our baby but i knew whatever i could get i needed to take. The contractions started to rapidly increase and i asked my family to have my phone camera ready and i see the shock in there faces, i realised my decission wasnt how everyone else in the room was planning to do this and i questioned if it was going to be possible and at that moment a midwife arrived to take over - the same midwife who delivered my daughter. I have never felt so relieved i knew that she was on my page. Of course she first asked how i wanted to do this and if i wanted to see the baby which of course i did, she explained how the baby would be smaller and 'prepared' me for what was going to happen.
And that was it, our baby was here. The midwifes turnt there back and cleaned baby up and wrapped in a blanket and handed us our perfect BABY BOY noah harper- not finding out our babys gender was the biggest blessing in disguse. It gave us excitment and happiness finding out we had another son and maybe it was the gender or my motherly loved kicked in but everything just become some perfect, precious and special i was in love. Just like our other babies he was perfect ,Not everybody in the room was in the place i was and i know how much everyone was hurting but nothing was coming in the way of the one chance i had with him.We spent alot of time with our baby noah and when it was time to be discharged i was over the moon to know we could visit again which made the blow of leaving him a Tiny bit easier. Walking out the hopsital without him was the hardest thing ive ever done and coming home to a big brother and sister and telling them there brother was never coming home shattered the remainder of my heart in ways i cant even explain. Waiting to see him again the days were cold and lonely, despite everyone around you you cant fill the hole in your heart but something in me always knew he would never be in our home and maybe this is why i managed to cope in the way i did, i managed to believe we had been blessed in life to be parents to an angel - the love of and child is the strongest, unbreakable just imagine the love between a mother and her angel. I still dont know how i managed to find a positive route for this and of course i felt the pain, i felt pain i never ever knew was possible but i also felt his love and guidance and accepted our baby noah was way to perfect for this earth. I almost feel guilty to admit but although coming to acceptance that he wasnt ready for this world it didnt mean i had accepted that we would not go on to bring a baby home and without admitting it out loud after a few months all i had was pregnancy on my mind, i was 'halfway' through pregnancy and needed to continue that. 10 months later and 2 days late it was time to do a test and it was a positive ! I cried with happiness so overwhelmed with excitment i almost felt we was bringing back noah deleting all the pain in our lifes, this was our happy ending, We got it as everyone promised. This pregnancy was special, very special. The midwifes tried to prepare me for how to deal with my mind - i would have worries and it would be very difficult at times which is normal but they was so wrong. 12 week scan and there she was (i say she as her lips gave it all away they was perfection of course we didnt actually know the gender this time) she was so perfect again we was told everything was perfect she was healthy and growing beautifuly and every part of me believed it. I was so confident this time, didnt question it at all. Afterall lightening doesnt strike twice. 5 month scan comes and confirms what we thought a beautiful babygirl identical to her big sister! So excited we left and the girlie shopping began, by 6 months we had everything but the buggy purely because of lack of storage space! We planned names, imagined our outtings and how old she would be at christmas, i imagined bed time stories with the 3 of them snuggled up smelling of bubble bath and fresh pjs. I imagined amelia playing for hours with her and the bond they would grow up to have. Our life was officaly complete. July 26th our zacherys 7th birthday was approaching so what better way to celebrate than a festival! It was our first time and of course i booked the tickets before i found out j was expecting but with alot of thought we decided to still go. We arrived late so a rush to unpack and set up tent, it was dark when we finished so no time to look around, an early night ready for lots of fun in the morning! As soon as i laid down i felt alot of back pain, ive camped alot in pregnancy and knew this was differnt. I ventured to the toilet a few times thinking i needed to go i felt alot of pressure but nothing was happening. I forced myself to sleep convincing myself id feel better in the morning. 7am i woke up to what i thought was my waters breaking, felt like a waterballoon had popped between my legs. Of course id be the person to give birth in a tent we had all joked about it before i left and now it was happening , i actually laughed to myself at how typical this was, as i pulled up my pjs to have a check i could not physically believe my eyes. I was flooded in a pool of blood. My heart stopped, my stomach dropped. Everything went numb. I needed to wake myself up, this couldnt be real. I called my partner to call an ambulance at this point zachery and amelia woke up, both in my arms i held them so tight so they wouldnt see what was going on. The ambulance arrived and also laughed at the idea of giving birth at a festival. They obviously think im ok? Maybe i am. This might be normal. I squeezed both the kids tight and told them to stay and have fun why i went to the hopspital to check what was going on, i kissed zachery and apologised for leaving his birthday treat. He looked at me with the biggest smile on his face and asked why i would apologise when his about to meet his babysister. My heart sank even deeper in that moment i realised my 7 year old could not physically cope with bad news, none of us could But i quickly pushed those thoughts aside and remained positive. I arrived at the hospital at what felt like 4 hours later, it wasnt my hospital what i knew out the back of my hand, i didnt recognise no friendly faces. I was alone. Very alone. The midwife did the normal everything should be fine whilst looking for a heartbeat but there was silence. Nothing. This is happening again. The doctor come and did my scan to tell me my babies heart beat had stopped. My 33 week healthy baby had no heart beat. How on earth is this happening. I screamed, i cried and i begged them to check again. She can not be gone. I cant do this again. They asked if i wanted to wait for someone to come before they induced labour. All i could think of was zachery and how excited he was for the festival i couldnt bring myself to stop that so i asked my partner to stay with the kids there i know this was the huggest ask and cant even imagine what i had put him through to do that. Of course my family couldnt make it we was a good few hours away so i told them i wanted to do it alone. Instantly i become a child again, i lost every part of me i had known i looked around the empty room and realised I was a scared, weak ,helpless girl who was completly alone but i had no choice but to birth our babygirl. Labour was alot longer this time and with just pethidine i could feel everything. It was very intense. 14.45 - 7 hours later our babygirl evie florence was born. She was the most beautiful girl i had ever seen, a head full of dark hair, the most perfecr fingers, perfect toes, long wrinkled legs and the poutiest lips. Pure perfection. But then it hit. She wasnt suppose to be our angel, she was supposed to be here! She was ready for the world, ready for our love, ready to be part of our family. I realised this process would be very different. I couldnt accept this, i refused to. 15 minutes later my mum dad and sister turnt up i couldnt believe my eyes, i hadnt even contacted them and yet there they was at the end of my bed. They shared some time with us and my sister (who fully supported me and did things my way with noah and didnt leave my side ) again took over and loved evie the way i needed her to be loved. She hugged her and cried with me, whilst talking about her beauty. Meanwhile mum and dad switched with my partner so he could meet his daughter. When he arrived i see a completely broken man arrive, he wasnt the man i left in the tent. He was a man with a broken heart. His alway known the words to say and can lighten the mood in any room but he was silent. We got to stay in a room on the ward with a big double bed and my sister stayed with us the whole time to. Evie layed in bed with us we cuddled, cried, slept and spoke. It was the most precious 24 hours we have ever had. The real bed and normal duvet sounds so irrelivant but it made it feel like home. To me we had 24 hours in a home enviorment with our daughter which i will always hold with me. When it was time to leave we decided not to say goodbye. It didnt feel right. We hadnt dressed our baby in her clothes, she didnt have her matching teddy to her angel brother and sister and we wasnt in our home area. So we arranged to have her brought to a funeral directors in our area to say goodbye there. However leaving that hospital, leaving our fully grown baby in the middle of no where was the worse moment of my life. A 3 hour drive home knowing how much further away from her we was getting. A baby needs her mum and yet were leaving her alone, despite knowing theres noway around that what so ever you still cant help that feeling of being the worse mum. A week later she was home (funeral directors) we had handed her clothes in earlier so when we visited she was dressed in her babygrow in the most beautiful room covered in a netting. It was like she was a real life princess. I imagined sleeping beauty in her glass coffin, beauty shining so powerfuly. it felt like she was being protected there was warmth within the room. I knew she was safe. We had our hugs and kisses and after a hour pulled ourselfs away and lay her back in her moses on her side the same way all our babies have slept and said our goodbyes. Since i have left that room - almost 2 month ago i have not aloud myself to think of my daughter as gone . Of course ive cried myself to sleep, countless times as i miss her so deeply and my arms are longing to hold my precious girl again, i feel nothing but emptyness. Im complimented often on my strength. My ability to live a happy life with my children, i wake up everyday with a smile, we create memories daily, weekly adventures and day trips, i still read bed time stories in silly voices and sing and dance with my childreb But yet inside i am a broken woman, whos crying constantly on the inside, a huge part of me is missing and My heart will never heal. I will never come to terms with my daughters death or accept it. I will forever be waiting for the news that they was wrong and our evie florence is finally ready to come home.