When I lost my first son Toby, a complete darkness descended on me. I had an older daughter and I know people were thinking I should be happy to have her, but he was my son, I loved him, I wanted him. Nobody could choose which one of their children they would give up, why would I be any different?! I had two babies, I wanted to be able to hold them both! My life became surrounded by grief, I never knew it was possible for the world to just suddenly change colour, it was like I was wearing dark, miserable glasses all the time. I struggled to find joy in anything. 6 months after I lost Toby I found out I was pregnant again. I didnt have the same elation I had with my first two pregnancies. I was still grieving my son and aside from the inevitable worries, I also felt guilty that Toby would think I was replacing him.
A rainbow pregnancy has so many mixed emotions, I couldn’t plan for his birth because I knew I might not bring him home. I loved feeling his kicks but I was petrified each one would be his last. I knew I wouldn’t relax until he was in my arms.
And its that empty arms feeling that a rainbow baby really satisfies. Toby would never be replaced but my rainbow baby Joshua let me nurture and love a baby that I truly longed for. He did fill my days and give me something to work towards. But I knew the light that he brought me wouldnt have happened without the storm before.
As soon as I held my Rainbow baby I understood the expression. Toby will never be replaced and I would never wish he hadn’t existed. He changed my life in ways I could never imagine and now my Rainbow baby is changing me even more. He has certainly helped me find my normal, but I will never get over losing Toby